Coming Out Day

Today is International Coming Out Day, and I have a lot of thoughts on the topic.

I've had a hard time recently identifying with "queer".  There was a time when this term meant so much to me, but, recently, I've felt alienated from this idea.  My sexuality really isn't all that queer.  It's really, really gendered.  I prefer men.  I really like many genderqueer folk, as well,  but my desire for women is negligible.  If I were a woman, I'd probably identify as hetero-flexible.  But I'm not a woman.  And, although I definitely see myself as primarily male, my feelings for other men are very... straight.  That might have to do with my rearing, because I was always taught that desire for men is normal, while desire for women is unnatural, queer, and atypical.  However, mostly, I think it has to do with the fact that no one has yet called my feelings for men "queer".  When I transition, I won't have a choice.  My relationships and desires for men will be seen as different, not as normal.  Thus, it occurred to me that the reason I no longer identify as "queer" is because I don't see it as a self-identity, but a label imposed to me by others.  My sexuality isn't queer, they made it queer.

I've had similar qualms recently with the term "genderqueer".  I really don't think there's anything all that queer about my gender.  I am not a woman, and I really am not that much of a man.  I am non-binary, but someone else decided that was "genderqueer".

More and more, I've been identifying with the term "trans".  I like it because I feel it describes more so my experience than my identity.  My gender identity is different than the gender I was assigned at birth; my sex identity is different than the sex I was assigned at birth; I am trans.  I also really identify with transition, although I am really early in this process, and I don't actually know how far it will actually go and in which direction.